I
look down and see myself. I am
dying. I know I am. The doctors are trying to save me. But I know they will not be able to, and that
makes my soul grieve. Not for me but for
him. My baby. The only thing that made me clean up my life. And for my soul mate, our son and her were
the only reason I knew I had succeeded in staying clean. So if I cleaned up, why am I laying dying on a
table at the age of 32? Well follow me
as my life flashes through my life, and the answer will show itself. My mistakes, my hopes, my dreams, and my
losses brought me here and the journey was a wild ride. Let’s start at the beginning.
I was
born on a very cold summer day. It was
raining, and I was brought home to a very cold house. My mother didn’t really want a baby, but she
wanted my father. He wanted a
child. But he worked all the time, so I
was left alone with my mother. She
ignored me. So I went and learned things
out on streets. I only went to school
because the city made me go. I was
smart, but I didn’t really want to be in school. I was bored.
I couldn’t sit still. I was
running already with a bad crowd. By the
time I was in my early teens I was having sex, doing drugs, drinking, and doing
a whole lot of things that I shouldn’t have been doing. My father passed away when I was
fourteen. I ran from home. I was not going to be stuck with my
mother. I ran to New York.
Within
weeks, I knew I had to do something, shoplifting and steeling was only getting
me so far. I was still on drugs, my drug
of choice being cocaine, and it was expensive.
I met a woman one night she told me that as a teen I could make a lot of
money as a hooker. So I let her show me
the ropes. Soon I had my own apartment;
I was making enough money to keep up bills, and to keep up my drug habit. I met a man who ended up becoming my
pimp. But I thought he really cared for
me. I did what he said, gave him most of
my money, and let him feed me even stronger drugs.
By
the time I was twenty I had been working on the streets for six years and only
the Goddess knows how I didn’t catch something.
But I wasn’t going to give it up.
It was party all night and sleep all day. The fun seemed to never end. The only part I didn’t like was the sex. I never really felt attracted to men, and
here I was sleeping with at least one man a night. A lot of the time it would be more like three
on a weekend night. On the slow nights I
would go down and strip at a strip club, where I would be able to meet more
potential ‘clients’. So I kept up this
life, until one fateful night.
I was
at this huge house party, some of the other girls and I were ‘rented’ for the
night by this frat house. I was watching
the party. I looked and saw the girl who
was everywhere never wanting to be alone.
I saw the girl who drank until she was numb. I saw the drugs, which for so long had been
my protection from the nature of the world I chose. I
knew that at the age of twenty three that the party was over. But how did I live a life sober, away from
the drugs. I never graduated high
school. I had no skills. How was I going to have a decent job? I sighed and took a line of blow, and went to
the room with another strange man, knowing that I had to break this circle.
I
woke up one morning, looked at the pile of money in my dresser. I dumped it out and counted it. Ten thousand dollars. I had ten thousand dollars to start and new
life. I packed nothing; I grabbed some
of my nicer clothes and grabbed a cab to the airport. I bought a plane ticket on the first flight
out. I needed a new life. A clean life.
I found a rehab center, and checked in under my real name. I name I hadn’t used since I left my father’s
funeral. Within in two weeks there I
found out I was pregnant and I knew I wouldn’t be able to give a name to the
father. I felt as if I already let down
the unborn baby. But I knew with a new
life, I would really make an effort to keep clean. And I was excited. For once I had a real chance at a real life.
After
my six weeks at rehab the set me up in a halfway house, which helped me find a
job, get my GED and really start a life.
By the time I was six months pregnant I had gotten my own place, and was
taking night classes. And for once I was
happy, without the drugs, without the numbing effect the drugs gave me. I didn’t need that party anymore. That party ended and the silence no longer
scared me. It no longer spoke a truth I
couldn’t hear. I for once could look at
myself and love myself. I was going to
be a mom, a better mom then I had. I was
going tell my baby the wrongs I did. I
was going to support my baby no matter what.
I was going to have a real life.
My
baby was born on a cold summer day, just like I was, on my twenty fourth
birthday. I was happy. I got my birthday gift. My gift from the Goddess. I had found a faith that accepted me. I had a good friend that helped me find
myself, to discover who I really was, where I was meant to be. And I was happy. I started a new healthy relationship, with
someone I never thought I would, with a woman, who was a doctor. She knew my past; she knew everything and
still loved me, she was my saving grace, my Krista. And my baby, she loved him as much as I did,
whom I named after her, I named him Chris.
Not Christopher. Just Chris. And we were a family.
My
days went by quickly. But they were
good, I watched our son grow up, and I fell more in love with the woman who was
there for me through all my choices I have made once I choose a new life. I had just graduated with a degree in
psychology and I wanted to help out as a therapist at the rehab center. My own had helped me, and I wanted to help
others. We had planned a family vacation;
we needed one after all the legal paperwork we had just done to make sure if
anything happened to me, then Krista would get Chris. I had to stay late at the rehab center, as I
was an intern, and was going to meet them at them at the campground we had
chosen.
I had
come home first to drop off some work stuff; and when I turned on the light
there was a man with a gun pointed at me.
My past had found me. I knew that
one day he would find me. I had made him
a lot of money. “How did you find me,
Louis?” I asked trying not to show my
fear.
“My
darling, Darla, you didn’t think I wouldn’t find you?” Louis asked in a voice so cold.
“My
name is not Darla, it is Rachel. I have
a new life. You are not welcomed
here. Leave.”
“Yes
I see, a lovely woman, and a handsome son.
Will they really mourn the loss of a former slut?” He asked in a sneer.
“She
knows my past. She loves me no matter
what. Do you want money?”
“No.” Is all he said then he pointed the gun back
at me and pulled the trigger. “You took
Darla’s life, so I will take yours.” He
stated as he walked through my blood.
“Darla
was never alive…” I stated, but I knew I
was going to die. I don’t know who
called the paramedics or the cops, but someone did. I was aware of how they loaded my body, my
soul crying, and I was begging the Goddess to let me live. I wasn’t ready.
“I
don’t think she will make it…” I heard
someone say.
“NOOOOO!!!!!” I heard Krista cry out. She was holding Chris, he was crying into her
shoulder.
I
looked at them, wanting to tell them not to cry. I was fighting. I would fight as long as the Goddess let
me. I wanted to keep my focus on them,
but soon I was in a room at the local hospital.
The doctors trying to do everything they could. Tears in their eyes. All friends wanting to save my life. And again I begged the Goddess to let me
stay with them. To let me have this
chance at peace on Earth. I knew it
might not happen but it didn’t stop me from fighting.
“They
got him. He tried to board a plane. He went down shooting. He is dead.”
Someone yelled into the room.
“The man who tried to kill Rachel is dead. How is she?”
“Not
good, but thank God for small favors.
The piece of scum should burn in hell.”
One of the doctors stated, his eyes never leaving my open wounds. “My Lord please, Jesus please, Krista and
Rachel deserve a chance. They have been
through so much in life. They were
happy. Please Lord please let me save
her. My sister needs her.” My brother-in-law, James, was working on
me. I knew it was against the rules, but
I had to smile. It made me fight
harder.
I
don’t know how long I fought, but I heard them close me up, I heard them saying
that if I lived through the night it would be a good sign, but it was in
heaven’s hands. I heard James, tell
Krista that I was a fighter. That there
was a good chance. I heard Krista talk
to him in a bunch of clinical terms.
Mostly she was afraid to say my name, because she knew my chances were
less than one percent.
But I
fought. I counted their breaths as I
fought. As a begged, as I cried for my
chance at a normal life not to be taken from me this early, I didn’t want
Krista and Chris to feel this grief. I
knew what grief could do. I didn’t want
to think of the pain, but I knew that if I focused on the pain then I might get
a chance. Soon the cold I was feeling
was going away. I didn’t know why. I thought the Goddess was taking me, and I
was crying out, begging to say. Then I
felt a flash of pain and I screamed out.
I screamed out! It woke Krista.
“Rach,
honey, can you hear me?”
I
opened my eyes and smiled, through all the pain I smiled. The Goddess wasn’t taking me; she was going to
give me my wish. “I love you.”
“I
love you.” She stated bending down and
giving me a kiss, the sweetest thing in the world was her kiss.
I smiled and looked into
her eyes and I knew that I was really going to get my chance. I was really going to have a life to
lead. No matter the cost, no matter the
pain, I knew life with my Krista and Chris would be worth it. No matter the past, that no longer mattered,
no matter the future, which was to worry about tomorrow, all that mattered at
that moment was I was loved. All that
mattered was I was alive. Nothing but
the present mattered. And I was going to
seize the day, and fill it with nothing but love. Every day for the rest of my life, I would
work to stomp out hate, and replace it with love. “I love you.”
I stated one more time and then I just held on to her as I thanked the
Goddess for love, and prayed that everyone in the world was loved. I closed my eyes, letting my body rest,
knowing that our love was why I was alive.
I was alive because of love, and I smiled.
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